


Cetacean needed

by CynSyn



Series: Sozzled in Soho [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale's Bookshop (Good Omens), Conversations, Dolphins, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 10:01:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19461664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CynSyn/pseuds/CynSyn
Summary: Drunken discussions after the Apocawasn't--------------------“Dolphins.”Not this again, Aziraphale thought, sighing into his glass.“Just think about it,” Crowley continued, sloshing his cup slightly as he waved his hand out. “They have these lovely big brains, and darling little faces. They seem so happy and free and joyful.” He got closer to Aziraphale’s ear, as if to whisper conspiratorially, though failing unequivocally to do so, “But it’s all an act.”





	Cetacean needed

In the back room of a bookshop in Soho, an angel and a demon, after several hours of drinking and debate, once more found their way to a topic of ineffable importance.

“Dolphins.”

 _Not this again_ , Aziraphale thought, sighing into his glass.

“Just think about it,” Crowley continued, sloshing his cup slightly as he waved his hand out. “They have these lovely big brains, and darling little faces. They seem so happy and free and joyful.” He got closer to Aziraphale’s ear, as if to whisper conspiratorially, though failing unequivocally to do so, “But it’s all an act.”

“An act?” Aziraphale’s face scrunched up as he reflexively leaned away from the somewhat-louder-than-polite-conversation farce of a whisper.

“An act.” He said, matter of factly. He promptly became distracted by some unseen and unknown scenario playing out in the universe. Either that, or he was really quite drunk and had simply lost his train of thought.

After a beat, and before he had the chance to think better of it, Aziraphale made the attempt to get the train back on track. “I’m afraid I don’t follow.” He may have been a bit inebriated himself.

“Where are we going? Is there a map?”

Perhaps not _that_ inebriated, after all. “You said,” he shifted uncomfortably in his chair as he realized the mistake of not letting it go. “You said that dolphins---”

“Dolphins! Don’t get me started on dolphins, Angel.”

 _Oh, good lord_. “You said that dolphins were an act.”

“Oh, but they are! Bit like angels, really. Lovely, glistening, wet, deceptively-grinning, toothy angels.” He mimicked fins with his hands.

Aziraphale furrowed his brow.

“Angels with blowholes.”

The angel snorted derisively. “I beg your pardon!”

“Present company excluded, ‘course.”

“Of course.”

“Except for the lovely part.”

Aziraphale smiled softly, glancing quickly up, down, and back up again in unspoken gratitude.

“But, to my point. The cleverness of dolphins is only matched by their danger. Apex predator, if you think about it. They’ve got the humans fooled. Just swimming along,” he really was rather good at this swimming pantomime by now, “and sssimply exsssssuding innossssscence and ssserenity and light,” he crept around exaggeratingly. “And then… BOOM!” He threw his hands up in the air. “Drag you down under the water and drown you, if they don’t tear you apart first.”

“That’s horrible!”

“That’s my point.”

Aziraphale just stared at him.

“Oh, come on, now, Angel! You aren’t like that. I don’t mean you. You’re like… like…” His eyes darted back and forth as if searching for answers. His face visibly brightened suddenly. “You’re a beluga whale!”

“Excuse me?”

“Right. Belugas are curious, yeah? They like to learn about…” He waved his hands out wide, “everything. They hang on to things, they decorate themselves. Great big brains, too. Very clever. So lovely and pleasantly plump and pale and…” Crowley thought for a moment. “And also still dangerous, but maybe not so willfully cruel. Not until they’re backed into a corner, really, and even then, they try to talk their way out of it. Did you know that?”

“I… I hadn’t really given it any thought.”

“S’true. I read that. They squeak and talk and sometimes try to sound human.” He plopped back down onto the couch, in as much as an oobleck in tight pants could.

“That’s really rather interesting.” He was sincerely fascinated.

“Isn’t it? So you’re a beluga. I like belugas. Belugas still have blowholes, but I don’t hold that against them. I suppose they might need them, wouldn’t they? To breathe? Being ma- manimals.”

“Mammals?”

“Mmm… Yeah, I s’pose.”

“So I’m a beluga whale, then.”

“You’re the one that eats raw fish.”

The angel scoffs. “It’s nice.”

“It’s bloody disgusting, is what that is. The idea that you would serve it to me without having the decency to cook the filthy stuff first just makes my stomach turn.” The demon made a face of disgust.

“Now you sound like Gabriel.” Aziraphale laughed.

“Oi, that one! He’s a… he’s… a… an orca. Just a mess. Or maybe a wholpin.”

“A what?”

“Wholpin. A Whale and a dolphin. Same thing, really, in the grand scheme of things. But not really. Best to stay away from them. Kill you for fun. Michael is a bottlenose dolphin. Ever so clever and deadly. Uriel’s probably a long-beaked dolphin, I think. Never alone. Sandalphon’s an Irrawaddy.”

“An Irrawaddy? Why?”

“Eh… erm… uh, just is, really. I don’t make the rules.”

“I see.”

“And that’s why you’re my beluga.”

**Author's Note:**

> [David Tennant's thoughts on sushi](https://www.express.co.uk/videos/4850444605001/David-Tennant-s-sushi-rant-on-Room-101)
> 
> [Noc, the beluga who tried to talk](https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/story-one-whale-who-tried-bridge-linguistic-divide-between-animals-humans-180951437/)
> 
> [Dolphins really are a bit murdery.](http://www.bbc.com/earth/story/20160204-cute-and-cuddly-dolphins-are-secretly-murderers)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] Cetacean needed](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23117299) by [ExMarks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExMarks/pseuds/ExMarks)
  * [Cetacean needed [podfic]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23733538) by [KD reads (KDHeart)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KDHeart/pseuds/KD%20reads)




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